Saint Seiya: Satan, Chapter–Purgatory! The Manga: The OVA: The Musical
by Aayla Security
Summary: A parody of the controversial Saint Seiya season, updated every Sunday. In "Over the River" and "We are always, always, getting back together", Seiya and Shun rob a vehicle and are prosecuted. In revenge, they kill the driver, kill the judge, vandalize the tourist attraction, and try to kill the CEO. Against the back drop of Orphee's clingy country music.
1. Trailer

EXT. MONTAGE OF FAMOUS LANDMARKS AROUND THE WORLD SHROUDED IN DARKNESS

HADES: Ahem. Inhabitants of the Earth,  
(sings)  
Your world's about to be destroyed  
There's no point getting all annoyed  
Lie back and let the planet dissooooollllllllve

_EVIL ARISES_

EXT. UNDERWORLD

ALDEBARAN: That's impossible!

HADES: We're Gods. Trying to do impossible things is what we do.

_THE LAST HOPE OF HUMANITY_

EXT. FLOWERY MEADOW

ORPHEE: Who the fuck are you and what do you want?

SEIYA: Huzahhhhhhhhh! We are Athena's Saints!

SHUN: Yeah, he can be quite embarrassing.

_AT THE EDGE OF THE WORLD_

INT. WALL OF WALING

SHAKA: Elysium. A land without endless torture and anguish. According to the myths, it is where the good mortals will spend their afterlife. It is actually obstructed by a Wall that can only be passed by Gods. (pause) This is kind of hilarious, actually, You lying Motherfuckers.

_THEY MUST FACE_

SHIRYU makes a HORRIFIED face.

_LAWYERS_

INT. FIRST PRISON

LUNE: We must follow the precedents. (looks through record) In all precedents, without exception the defendant suffered eternal and everlasting punishment such as boiling oil and slow slicing. Well, to maintain legal integrity, off to the chopping block you go!

_CONSULTANTS_

EXT. BRIDGE TO SECOND PRISON

KANON: I eat lawyers for breakfast. Fear my misplaced comma!

_MUSICIANS_

INT. SECOND PRISON

PHARAOH: (sings to the tune of "I know It's Today") And my show

Will soon air

'Cause there is boo and there is laughter

I believe the textbooks I study

And then recite

_EXTRAS_

EXT. COCYTUS

YET-TO-DIE SPECTRE #1 (sighs) I have "Murder for Demonstration" written all over my forehead.

_GODS_

THANATOS (screams) You can't kill Me! I'm very important! If you kill Me, THE UNIVERSE WILL EXPLODE!

_ENTER THE WORLD FLOWING WITH LIGHT WITH SEIYA_

SPECIAL IMMORTAL UNIT rushes into some hole.

_FOR GODDESS_

INT. HOUSE OF HADES

SHAKA prepares to kill HADES!

ATHENA: Refrain yourself, My docile, immigrant minion.

_FOR LOVE_

INT. HADES' THRONE ROOM

ORPHEE plays his harp in front of HADES, day and night.

HADES: Oh, so I'm supposed to accept the sacrificial offering of your soul just so a woman who was supposed to die can live the rest of her unnaturally-regained life in crushing black depression that will kill her in the next year or so anyway? Absolutely!

_FOR FRIENDSHIP_

INT. HOUSE OF HADES

DOHKO takes hold of SHAKA'S SHOULDER in manly camaraderie.

DOHKO: Hey dipshit, instead of you do it, fail, then die for no reason, how about we do it, fail then die for no reason?

_FOR FAMILY_

EXT. SOMEWHERE IN HELL

Suddenly, IKKI comes crashing down from the heavens!

KANON: This is Ikki, the most powerful of all the Bronze Saints and possibly of all the Saints, probably because he really IS immortal and is even more overpowered every time he recovers. Like flu viruses and cockroaches.

_FOR LOYALTY_

INT. WALL OF WAILING

SHURA: AIEEE, IT'S AIOLOS' GHOST HERE TO EXACT VENGEANCE ON ME!

AIOLIA: How many times do I have to tell you?! See? My hair is BLOND. Therefore, we are NOT that alike!

AIOLOS: Hello, imbeciles.

AIOLIA: Oh.

_SAINT SEIYA: SATAN, CHAPTER – PURGATORY! THE GAME: THE MANGA: THE OVA: THE MUSICAL_

INT. HOUSE OF HADES

IKKI: What was the reason you wanted to destroy the world again?

HADES: Er, I don't know…I sorta decided that when I woke up this morning.

_COMING SOON TO A THEATER NEAR YOU_

_ORIGINAL SOUNDTRACK NOW AVAILABLE ON ITUNES, AMAZON AND TARGET_


	2. Promotional Soundtrack

INT. THRONE ROOM

IKKI is trapped in the dark. Suddenly, the light is turned on, and HADES walks towards him!

HADES:  
(sings)  
You took a look and then flailed  
Don't worry, you already failed  
Covered My ears as you wailed  
"I don't trust what You say"

I trade the souls for a wish,  
Ready for Greatest Eclipse?  
Brace for a world full of shit  
You can't fight it anyway

Your glare was showin',  
Pendant, bond was holdin'  
Cold night, wind was blowin'  
Care to guess where you're going, Ikki?

FLASH CUT TO:

INT. THRONE ROOM

IKKI: Do me a favor and go to hell, please.

_EVERY ADVENTURE_

EXT. UNDERWORLD

ATHENA: Five hours of being with Seiya and absolutely nothing else? Sound exciting?

FLASH CUT TO:

EXT. INFERNO OUTSKIRTS

SHUN: Someone shoot me, please.

_HAS A FEW TWISTS_

INT. THRONE ROOM

IKKI: This is fucking stupid.

_EVERY HERO_

FIREWORKS starts playing the background.

IKKI:(sings)  
I just gotta ignite my light and let it shine  
Will own this fight, in an unpleasant surprise

I, Ikki, am a Fire Bird  
Got up, for my armor's worth  
Make 'em go "Oh, oh, oh"  
As I shoot across the sky-y-y

Ikki is a Fire Bird!  
Stronger than that Photons Burst  
Make 'em go "Oh, oh, oh"  
I'm gonna leave 'em all in ow, ow, ow

Boom, boom, boom  
Movements spelling out your doom, doom, doom  
See fear that's been inside of you, you, you  
And now it's time to let it through-ough-ough

_HAS A FAMILY_

INT. WALL OF WAILING

AIOLIA: If my brother were alive, he'd say that if I persevere, I will triumph, because nothing is impossible against the determination and potential of an Athena Saint!

AIOLOS: Actually, he'd say you're a stupid ass because you can't even put two and two together and see what a freaking wuss you are! Now can you just finally give up or what?!

AIOLIA: (muttering) Sometimes I wish you were still dead.

_EVERY WAR_

EXT. SOMEWHERE IN HELL

MINOS readies his COSMIC MARIONATION.

_NEEDS AN ENDING_

INT. THRONE ROOM

ATHENA: Remember this, My wretched minions: very sacrifice is noble even if it will lead to no good outcomes, and sometimes even very bad outcomes!

_THIS FALL_

INT. COCYTUS

SEIYA is thrown around by VALENTINE.

_WITNESS THE FINAL TO THE FINAL CHAPTER OF SAINT SEIYA_

EXT. WALL OF WALING

SHAKA: (crying) Why must we do the same thing over, and over, and over, and over again?

SHUN: NOW you know what we Special Immortal Unit feel like.

_SEIYA_

EXT. MEADOW

SEIYA: (to Eurydice) I mean, I brought my camera here, and your being a pillar of salt with a talking head doesn't exactly justify it.

_SHUN_

INT. THE HOUSE OF HADES

SHUN: Funny; I thought I was the incarnation of Gandhi. Or Jesus.

_HADES_

INT. HADES' THRONE ROOM

HADES: I'm the Prince of Darkness! Or rather, (poses seductively) Prin_cess_ of Darkness.

SEIYA: Er, Shun's a guy.

HADES: Exactly.

_THIS SUMMER_

INT. SECOND PRISON

SHUN nearly murders CERBERUS.

PHARAOH: Think of your wife and your children, Mr. Cerberus! What am I supposed to tell her?

_EXPERIENCE THE COSMO OF LEGENDS_

IKKI:  
(in the background)

'Cause Ikki is a Fire Bird  
Blow up, in my fireworks  
Make 'em go "D'oh-oh-oh"  
As they shoot across the sky-y-y!

Ikki is a Fire Bird  
'Cause I save my brother first  
Make you go "No, no, no"  
I'm gonna leave you all in null, null, null

Boom, boom, boom  
Movements spelling out your doom, doom, doom  
Boom, boom, boom  
Turning everything to a ruin, ruin, ruin

_SAINT SEIYA: SATAN, CHAPTER – PURGATORY! THE GAME: THE MANGA: THE OVA: THE MUSICAL_

INT. THRONE ROOM

HADES: Everyone says I'm evil; but really, all I want is just to balance the fucking human resources and increase population in my own neighborhood. Is that too much to ask?

_THE SUMMER TWO YEARS AFTER THE PREVIOUS SEASON_

* * *

Call Me Hades  
(Call Me Maybe by Carly Rae Jepsen)

HADES  
You took a look and then flailed  
Don't worry, you already failed  
Covered My ears as you wailed  
"I don't trust what You say"

I trade the souls for a wish,  
Ready for Greatest Eclipse?  
Brace for a world full of shit  
You can't fight it anyway

Your glare was showin',  
Pendant, bond was holdin'  
Cold night, wind was blowin'  
Care to guess where you're going, Ikki?

Hey, I just met you  
Now don't be hasty  
Though was your brother  
Now call Me Hades

It's hard to look right  
At reality  
Though had same mother  
Now call Me Hades

Hey, I will best you  
And this ain't maybe  
I've Godly power  
They call Me Hades

You know that other boy  
Don't believe Me  
He's in Cocytus  
Now call Me Hades

You did not take it too well  
I have no time for details  
Pandora dropped the bombshell  
But you won't go away

My niece arbitraged and killed  
That Poseidon She sealed  
Now for Him so I'd appeal it  
Ha, He's gone, no way!

My stare was holdin'  
Changed hair, Shun is goin'  
I scythed, people's roastin'  
Underworld's where they're going, baby!

Hey, you do amuse  
By fighting crazy  
But Her time's over  
'Cause call Me Hades

I'll exert My might  
Break gravity  
Specially not Her  
Can stop Me, baby!

Hey, you will all lose  
Who cares you're lazy?  
Now don't get annoyed  
Just call Me Hades

World's gonna be a void  
Try and hate Me  
But here's your brother  
Just weep, crybaby

'Fore I took over his life  
It just was so sad  
It was a sad fad  
Oh, such a sad, sad fad

Since I took over his life  
I made it so rad  
Don't you now see that  
I made it so, so rad

I'll block all sunlight  
Planetary!  
Raise death toll number  
They call Me Hades

I collect My dues  
And all must face Me  
Join Happy Hour  
For Newly Haded!

All Specters will rejoice  
And obey Me  
My domain's growth spurt  
Is on Me, Hades

Since I took over his life  
I made Her so mad  
I made Her so mad  
I made Her so, so mad  
Takeover is in the pipeline  
Athena's so mad  
And I am so glad

So, call Me Hades!

Brother, I'm Much Older Now!  
(Mamma, I'm a Big Girl Now! from _Hairspray_)

AIOLOS  
You're doing it wrong, Aiolia!

AIOLIA  
Oh, for Gods' sake, I'm not seven years old anymore!

AIOLOS  
I don't care! Stop!

AIOLIA  
(sings)  
Stop telling me what to do

AIOLOS  
Don't!

AIOLIA  
Don't treat me like a child of two

AIOLOS  
No!

AIOLIA  
You think I will make a mess

AIOLOS  
Please!

AIOLIA  
But, bro, frankly,  
NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS!

GOLD SAINTS  
Stop! Don't! No! Please!  
Stop! Don't! No! Please!  
Stop! Don't! No! Please!

AIOLIA  
Brother, I'm much older now!  
Once upon a time when I was just a kid  
My brother left me to rot alone with what he did  
All lost in my anguish that I cried my eyes out

Well, Brother, I'm much older now!

To prove myself I split waves  
And caused earthquakes  
Don't be surprised they made me the Pope's first choiiiice  
So, when I punched your armor, of course you were wowed  
For Brother, I'm much older now!

Man, I gotta tell you despite my good luck  
I owe my best fighting lessons to you  
I was alone when they tried to beat me up  
And so to make them stop  
I used much twist and screw!  
Wo -oh -oh -oh -oh

Once I was quite content  
To read history tomes  
But now I crave the contests  
Where people die a la Rome!

Or like spaghetti  
Or _Cat Soup  
_And pow!

Yes, Brother, I'm much older now

GOLD SAINTS  
Woooh!  
Stop! Don't! No! Please!  
Stop! Don't! No! Please!  
Stop! Don't! No! Please!

AIOLIA  
Brother, I'm much older now

GOLD SAINTS  
Hey, Brother, say, Brother

AIOLIA  
Oh, you've been haunting your gold clothing  
So could have communicated and showed up on the scene  
But chose to remain gone, like when I gave my vow

Whatever, you don't matter now!

Wo - oh - oh - oh - oh  
(On) Cost-save or sacrifice I was on the fence  
But then realized had no choice: ninety confidence  
And someone so responsible to show me how  
Nope, Brother, I'm much older now

Man, you always taught me  
Fighting's like ping pong  
But the outcomes depend on your might  
Truth is, you've been out and dead for far too long  
So please stand aside and brother, watch Bronze fight  
Watch them fiiight

So wake up, fandom wank  
You're just a man  
One that is quite stupid  
And has no common sense  
So let me be a star  
Before I take my bow

GOLD SAINTS  
'Cause Brother, he's much older now

AIOLIA  
Woh - Oh - Oh

GOLD SAINTS  
Brother, he's much older now

AIOLIA  
Hey – Hey – Hey

GOLD SAINTS  
Brother, he's much older

AIOLIA  
Gods, so much old, older!  
I'm much older now  
Woohhhhhh!

GOLD SAINTS  
Stop! Don't! No! Please!  
Stop! Don't! No! Please!  
Stop! Don't! No! please!

AIOLIA  
Brother, I'm much older now!

Stronger (What Really Killed Him)  
(Stronger by Kelly Clarkson)

IKKI  
You know the Saint who wanders?  
He prefers alone  
You know his Orange Color  
And like the sun it shone

You think you got the best of me  
Think you've had the last laugh  
Bet you think that Hades thing's good with Shun  
Think you left me beaten down  
Think I won't bring Shun right back  
Baby, you don't know me, 'cause you're dead wrong

KANON  
What really killed him makes him stronger  
Stand a little taller  
Doesn't mean he's deceased or a clone  
What really killed him makes a fighter  
Health bar even wider  
Doesn't mean game's over when you're done

IKKI  
'Cause I live to protect my brother, brother  
Just me, myself and I

KANON  
Though he comes back he seems a goner  
Falls into a puncture  
Doesn't mean victory when he's prone

AIACOS  
I will use my Garuda Flap for that's something new  
Look, you're screwed, I was moving too fast for you

IKKI  
You didn't think that I'd come back  
I'd come back swinging  
You tried same technique, but you see

For I will kill you like a Reaper  
You're a sad repeater  
Make you scream you're silly and so wrong  
What really killed me makes you fly there  
Soaring even higher  
Doesn't mean it's over 'cause it's known

MINOS & RHADAMANTHYS  
Because he has infinite power, power  
Just he, himself and him  
He's gonna kill us like a bastard  
And belittle Specters  
And now sweeping over like cyclones

IKKI  
I'll give you nightmares not for fainthearted  
I'll give you two dimensions uncharted  
I'll give you two fiery blows, crush your knees  
You want to pretend you won't lose and preserve your dignity  
Don't pretend…

ALL  
What really killed him gives him powers  
Have a level farther  
Doesn't mean he's deceased or a clone  
What really killed him gives him fire  
Because lazy writer  
Doesn't even bother to care or atone

What really killed him makes him faster, faster  
Just he, himself and him

What really killed him feeds his anger  
Smash a little harder  
Doesn't mean he's deceased or a clone

What really killed him makes a robber, robber  
Of speech, hearing and sight

What really killed him gives him powers  
Not even a bother  
When he breaks your body and your bones

RHADAMANTHYS  
And throne

* * *

Songs parodied in the Musical (It is strongly recommended that you familiarize with the songs before proceeding!):

1. City of Love (from _Phineas and Ferb_)  
2. This is How a Dream Comes True (from _Shrek the Musical_)  
3. Our Town (from _Cars_)  
4. Fifteen (Taylor Swift)  
5. What a Wonderful World (Louis Armstrong)  
6. Mine (Taylor Swift)  
7. Sweet Caroline (Neil Diamond)  
8. My Way (Frank Sinatra)  
9. Closing Time (Semisonic)  
10. Far Longer than Forever (from _The Swan Princess_)  
11. Wouldn't It Be Nice (Beach Boys)  
12. All I Care About (from _Chicago_)


	3. Over the River

INT. GOTHIC-ISH CASTLE

We pick up where we left off: a sequence that should have been in the LAST CHAPTER.

SHIRYU: (after standing for several hours) All right, on the count of three, we will dive in while desperately praying that we are somehow creating mira…

DOHKO 2.0: I OBJECT! Woops, wrong movie.

SHIRYU: Roshi? What the hell? Shouldn't your companion Kanon be with you?

DOHKO 2.0: We got separated when he insisted on going to the bathroom. I TOLD him to pee before we left, but he would have none of it. Kinda like how Shion and I got separated on our way to Athena's Statue. Speaking of which, you will stay here while I chase Seiya down through this tube.

HYOGA: Yeah, that's Shiryu's master alright.

SHUN: And that completely contradicts what you were discussing with Shion in the last part. Aren't we miracle makers?

DOHKO 2.0: Well, then I imagine Shion has told you all about the Eighth Sense you need, right?

HYOGA: Uh, no.

DOHKO 2.0: (mutters) That old fuck. (pause) Then I have to supply a boring exposition that the viewers have seen plenty times already.

He does this.

DOHKO 2.0: (CONT'D) Now that we've alienated everyone who's waited for this part to come out for two years, the TRUE beginning of this Chapter can finally commence!

They all plunge into the PIT, and end up in convenient pairs.

EXT. HELL OUTSKIRTS

SEIYA wakes up to the cue of the NEW MONEY MACHINE.

SEIYA: Ow, um, where's that asshole with whom I was fighting? And where is everyone else?

SHUN: Dunno. Teleported by Awkward Plot Development or something. We'd better get moving, since we only have so much time before the DVD sale drops again and we can't even finish producing this anime.

SEIYA: Okay…Wait, Shun? Why the hell are we paired? What can you do?

SHUN: Oh, I plan to do nothing less than observing the battle so passively that all I do is just shouting things. (pause) SEIYA! SEIYA! SEIYA! SEIYA! SEIYA! SEIYA! SEIYA! SEIYA! SEIYA! There, that's my part. I'm done. Someone shoot me, please.

They jump around without any directions; somehow, they reach the GATE OF HELL.

SHUN: There's some inscription carved onto its pediment. Huh? "Welcome to Hell; I love you. Promise you won't leave me, ever, ever"?

SEIYA: Are we supposed to take it seriously? We are Athena's Saints! Don't they know what a Saint is? Don't they know Saints don't love Hell? Damn, I hate this place already.

SHUN: Well, not as much as I can't stand your extremely annoying and stereotypical presence.

They reach the river bank and see a bunch of WEEPING PEOPLE.

SEIYA: Are we in Shun-Land or something?

CHARON: Those people are mourning the fact that they can't pass the river and are forced to dwell on a boring existence instead of enduring horrible and eternal suffering. Speaking of which, if I don't carry you two over, then Hell's apocalypse that will obviously be brought forth by Pegasus will not happen. (pause) Never mind, anti-Hades. Welcome…to the Hades of Love.  
(to the tune of the City of Love)  
Check any hope at the Gate  
Ready for Prisons of Eight?  
Hades resides at Four Spheres  
Far away from Ach'ron River  
Here we punish Greed and Heresy  
How Divine the Comedy  
In the Hades of Love!

DROWNED PEOPLE: (suddenly rising) In the Hades of Love

CHARON: In the Hades of Love

RHADAMANTHYS: In the Hades of Love

CHARON:  
First the Ten Malebolges  
Then torture at Three Valleys  
Isn't this a perfect way  
To punish those who like buffets?

Oh, they don't begin Judgment Day  
Without us rolling down on those without a face  
In the Hades of Love

DROWNED PEOPLE: In the Hades of Love

CHARON: In the Hades of Love

SHUN: If He's evil then it's hard to be Athena's Saints  
'Cause life is too short compared  
to eternal pain  
In the Hades of Love

ALL: In the Hades of Love

CHARON: In the Hades of Love

ALL: In the Hades of Love

CHARON: In the Hades of Love

ALL: In the Hades of Loooove

SEIYA: A musical. We've ended up in a Goddamned musical.

SEIYA murders CHARON when they arrive, dooming half of everyone who hasn't crossed STYX yet. Now, EVERYONE in the SPECIAL IMMORTAL UNIT knows precisely where to go despite not knowing anything about HELL'S GEOGRAPHY. SEIYA and SHUN reach the HALLS OF JUDGMENT.

EXT. HALLS OF JUDGMENT

SHUN: It's oddly appropriate that the first "Prison" is a courthouse.

SEIYA: Yes, and that's why I've suddenly decided to resume being the obnoxious, premature boy I was at the beginning of this series specifically to contrast the non-subtle reference to real courts and judges! What an unflinchingly ironic commentary on the current justice system!

He starts blowing his nose, laughing, joking, yelling, boasting and producing comical faces and noises.

SEIYA: ALL RIGHT I'M USING POLITICAL HUMOR NOW LOL AM I FUNNY OR WUT.

SHUN: What in the fucking hell did you do that for?

SEIYA: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA YOU THINK THAT WAS GOOD? WAIT TILL I TELL THE JUDGE EVERYTHING ABOUT ATHENAS PLANS!

LUNE: (emerges as the Judge) Well, also as part of the non-subtle reference…

SHUN: No shit…

LUNE: …to the real court system, I will first commit an act of random repugnancy!

He murders his guard for trying to help him.

LUNE: (reading Seiya's profile) Now where was I? Oh yeah; hmm, a vicious, cruel, shallow boy who tortures living things for fun and is the epitome of bad writing and laughable characterization? You should be sentenced to burning in hot boiling oil. (reading Shun's) As for you, a weepy, sickeningly sweet, pathetically harmless kid who the audience can't decide to love or to run over with a truck, we will subject you to a punishment just as bad, but plus mind-raping psychological tortures!

SEIYA: OMG THATS SO UNFAIR LOL SHUN WERE SO DEAD (faints)

SHUN: I object! That sentence was completely uncalled for!

LUNE: Then I will psychologically torture you until you CONFESS YOUR SINS!

LUNE straps his WHIP around SHUN.

SHUN: Er, shouldn't you do this in some interrogation room and not in court —

LUNE: Quiet! Look at yourself! The intensity of the rope strangling you represents the gravity of the sins you've committed! You are a bad person.

SHUN: What? But…but who decides the gravity of my sins?

LUNE: Me.

SHUN: What an impartial and sacred judgment, this is. (pause) I've led a trite and meaningless life. I'm truly a bad person.

LUNE: Your birth certificate is proof of guilt. (pause) This idea is actually quite deep, but the Creator's limited plotting capacity will prevent me from digging any further.

SHUN: Dear Lord, I completely loathe my appalling existence. I have low self-esteem. Obliterate me and continue my suffering in hell, please!

LUNE kills SHUN in a non-melodramatic, non-stretched-to-the-limit fashion, which is totally CONVINCING.

LUNE: (chuckling) Sorry, dudes, but that was just for the sake of political expediency, because the only thing more dangerous than powerful idiots are powerful idiots that wield dangerous cosmos.

Suddenly, he is immersed in a panic-inducing ILLUSION THAT PLAINLY STATES THE TWIST OF THIS CHAPTER.

LUNE: (shitting his pants) Aieeeeeeeeeeee! I panic and kiss my boss' ass, just like those shitty judges in the real world!

He runs around to embarrass himself; abruptly, he is stopped by RHADAMANTHYS.

KANON: (abruptly appears, without Shiryu and Hyoga) And I will now shatter Lune, in an over-the-top manner!

He sets LUNE'S FUSE WHIP off and LUNE DETONATES while offering no resistance whatsoever! Not even dropping the whip when he still has the chance!

LUNE DYNAMITE: And as you can see, we judges are truly unworthy morons who play dirty and don't deserve our salaries or recognition. (dies)

With the EVIL INCARNATION of the current justice system out of the way, the position representing the CREATOR, i.e. SEIYA and SHUN, runs off and arrives at the SECOND PRISON.

EXT. LOW-QUALITY REPLICA OF THE GREAT TEMPLE AT ABU SIMBEL

SEIYA: Why the hell is this place called "Prison", anyway?

SHUN: (taking pictures) A desperate and futile attempt at originality, maybe? I wonder where the souvenir store for this attraction is.

They enter it and find that a DOG FROM GREEK MYTHOLOGIES, CERBERUS, is chomping DEAD PEOPLE even though they shouldn't die twice!

SEIYA: Ewww, YUCK!

SHUN: What the hell? Those two things DON'T mesh together! What a commercially-driven, distasteful design decision! I'm complaining to your tourist department otherwise I'm never visiting this place ever again!

PHARAOH: Oh, I'm sorry! Our actor for Anubis is sick today, and Mr. Cerberus just happens to be available…

SEIYA: (reading Pharaoh's name tag) "Sphinx Pharaoh?" What kind of stupid pseudonym is that? What character are you playing, just the head or the entire creature? You can't just strap all those Egyptian references randomly together merely because you've run out of ideas for those attractions!

SHUN: Yeah, and those dead people are totally repelling and have nothing to do with Egypt culture, either!

PHARAOH: I'm so sorry! I will immediately report your complaints to my supervisors!

CERBERUS: Wait, if I eat them here, we don't even have to explain to our supervisors and "apologize" to those two jerks with expensive treats and stuff!

PHARAOH: An excellent point.

SHUN: Damn.

Their attacks don't work on CERBERUS. Then they DO. SHUN subdues CERBERUS instead of killing him, probably so that he can die more bloodily later.

PHARAOH: Well, there's no way I'm gonna let you two out here alive and access my supervisor!  
(pause, to the tune of "This Is How a Dream Comes True") Now defend yourselves here, Athena Saints. Don't you want to savor this moment? It will be our last meeting. It must be an epic and dramatic scene.  
(sings)  
This is how a Saint is through  
This is how I defeat you  
Piercing sounds like Harpy wings  
That will always make you scream:

SEIYA: What a horrible noise!

PHARAOH:  
This is how our fight must go  
You're writhing…there, when I say so  
Playing tunes while missing beats  
Off-key songs my favorite feat  
(pause)  
Favorite feat.  
(pause)  
Favorite feat!

SEIYA and SHUN: Argh!

PHARAOH:  
And though you won't confess  
My polygraph's acute  
It will beep like this  
When a Saint is through…

SEIYA: My heart! It's bursting out of my chest!

SHUN: SEEEEEIIIIIYAAAAAA!

PHARAOH:  
Pegasus, don't get depressed  
Lots of assholes died like that  
To yourself your heart belongs  
Only till the end of song!

Run the trope, your death awaits  
That's what every story states  
Evil genes we will constrain  
Placing your heart on a tray  
(pause)  
On a tray  
(pause)  
On a tray

ORPHEE: They are on MY to-do-list!

PHARAOH: What?

His attempts to kill them are foiled by some RIDICULOUSLY OVER-POWERED SILVER SAINT.

PHARAOH: Sure, so powerful that when you face him, you will certainly get killed if you opt to just lie down and take a nap.

ORPHEE: I'm so similar to Ikki, I even wussed out helping Athena just to unsuccessfully satiate my private desires!

PHARAOH: (sighs) Can't a man kill his asshole customers in PEACE anymore? Take care of your own trash; I've already got some explaining to do with Mrs. Cerberus that how come her husband isn't back from work yet.

ORPHEE shrugs, and the camera doesn't show what happened with SEIYA and SHUN.


	4. We AreAlwaysAlways Getting Back Together

EXT. MEADOW

SHUN and SEIYA suddenly find themselves in this place and see a FEMALE with weird eyes and a rock for a body.

SHUN: Holy crap, are you the blonde version of Orphee? You look nearly identical to each other, except for the longer hair!

EURYDICE: (irritated) No, I'm his girlfriend. (pause) So when I died, Hades accepted this sacrificial offering of Orphee's soul just so I, who was supposed to die, could live the rest of my unnaturally-regained life in a crushing black depression that would have most likely killed me again in the next –

SEIYA: Wait, you're not going to go info-dump on us, are you? Because we've just suffered not one, but TWO already ever since we arrived in Hell.

SHUN: Or if you must, at least sing it, seeing that you're Orphee's girlfriend.

EURYDICE:  
(rolls eyes, sings to the tune of "Our Town")  
Long ago, not so very long ago  
We were so different, oh yes we were  
You played your harp and played it hard on the surface  
I watched you play  
It was our song

Time goes by, time brings changes, I change, too  
Serpent comes I can't handle, so down I go  
Never see it coming, the world caves in on you  
On our song  
Nothing you can do

Duty isn't duty anymore  
Goddess doesn't matter as She did before  
To Hades, you would sell your soul  
For our song

You play harp each moment  
And yet you're never done  
Get up, please Hades, never ends  
Same piece of music that's been played till I'm numb  
As a war goes on a million miles away

Sun beam isn't sun beam anymore  
Nowhere near the exit like we thought before  
I want to make you leave or turn you gay

Though it's our song  
Hate it anyway  
Make it stop, not our song

SEIYA: Woman, you are a pillar of salt with a talking head; the very fact that you are still able to construct coherent thoughts demonstrates that your sanity is far more resilient than that of normal people.

SHUN: (sniffing) But it's so SAD. Why must people suffer because of love? (suddenly glares at eiya)

Why?! Tell me why! Why must everyone suffer, HUH?!

ORPHEE: Now that you've seen my story, do you have any questions regarding any minuscule detail that the Creator insists on you beating to death for some reason?

SEIYA: Yes; is there a mandate that people here keep their eyes closed as often as possible?

SHUN: Well, I SURE HOPE IT'S NOT BECAUSE SOMEONE IS A COLOSSAL JERK WHO MAKES EVERYONE SUFFER FOR HIS PRECIOUS GODDESS.

SEIYA: Who, needless to say, isn't wearing her Devine Cloth and will certainly be killed if we don't get to her first!

SHUN: And that is exactly why we are heading towards Hades instead of specifically looking for your beautiful Saint Commander, right?

ORPHEE: Look. I don't really care. Be gone!

SEIYA: No! (pause) Okay.

ORPHEE: Wait, you're just gonna go? Just like that? Did the Creator just complicate the plot?

Suddenly, a great SUN-LIKE THINGIE appears out of nowhere, apparently because PHARAOH takes the mirror everywhere he goes.

PHARAOH: Just in time to resolve any complication for the Creator by getting myself killed for no reason!  
(sings)  
And it was I used this trick!  
Pretty bad I must admit  
Fluttering in your heart  
A lie will make it part

I knew this day would come  
And I would have you slain,  
At last all Saints are through  
I knew, I knew, I knew:  
It would be todayyyyyyyyyyy!

ORPHEE: So in addition to being totally gay, you're also responsible for trapping us in Hell, literally!

PHARAOH: What? That you think my fake sun light was the sole reason why Eurydice is trapped here, despite the fact that you completely forgot to count the number of prisons that you had passed?

ORPHEE: Er…

PHARAOH: Or for that matter, despite how you had mistaken merely SEEING the exit for BEING on the other side of the exit, implying that Eurydice would've still been trapped in Hades because you would've still turned your head BEFORE entering the portal, even had you seen the real sun light?

ORPHEE: Uh…

PHARAOH: OR for that matter, had Hades taken your offer, He would still retain your service anyway, and therefore wasn't it merely His inability to make up His mind that caused Him to risk being killed by you or enable you to have any hope of redemption?

ORPHEE: Um…

PHARAOH: OR for THAT matter, how this whole story is just a demonstration how Hades is not only pointlessly, but also ineffectively, evil?

ORPHEE: Enough! You die now!

He starts singing! Horribly!

ORPHEE:  
(to the tune of "Fifteen")  
Take a deep breath and you walk through the seal  
I was hoping my obsession's okay  
(And) you ignore the ghosts who've been suffering for a while  
Try and stay out of every Specter's way

Her soul's so near and you cannot endure  
Without her, more years on the ground  
Listening to those Silver Saints who laugh at you and say  
"Oh, stop crying already, son"

I'm here  
'Cause when you're naïve and somebody tells you they love you  
You're gonna revive them  
And when you're naïve you must be together forever

No, you will not take "no" as  
Answer, life's built for this, otherwise it's not complete  
Naïve

You kneel, playing before creepy Pandora  
And soon enough she's all enchant  
Happy that the other man who plays strings like poop  
We'll be outta here as soon as we can  
And then you're on your hurried way back, and you've got her hands  
And you feel like flying

And your wedding's waiting up, and you're writing up new songs  
And you'll be mixing your ashes when your lives end  
And live in Elysium

'Cause when you're naïve and somebody tells you they'd free you  
You're gonna believe them  
And when you're naïve and the sunshine  
Makes you look behind  
Though in her death you must cling even you're  
Driving you dear love to lunacy

Though she didn't like it, I was naïve  
And all He promised was on false premise  
Wish you could go back and tell yourself what you know now

Now here I swore I would stay with Eurydice always  
But I was tricked, trapped to the end of times  
Eurydice turned into a rock because of a God  
Who changed His mind  
We both cried

'Cause when you're naïve and somebody tells you they love you  
You rush to rescue them  
And when you're naïve, don't forget to check before turn around  
Take your time, examine the fine prints  
And you just might find what clauses really mean  
Didn't know that I was supposed to read  
Naïve

La la la la la la la la la la  
La la la la la la la la la la  
La la la la la la

My very last day  
Take a deep breath, boys  
Take a deep breath 'fore you talk to Hades

He kills PHARAOH by holding the broken string with his teeth, because they are made of STEEL and won't break even on RESONANCE FREQUENCY. EURYDICE is killed, too, presumably by ORPHEE since she's a rock without hands.

SEIYA: For a moment, just a moment, I really feel like –

SHUN: Don't say it!

SEIYA: …Athena's Saint.

EXT. SOMEWHERE IN HELL, NOT WHERE HADES IS

SHAKA: Another beautiful human being that isn't supposed to be alive just died.

ATHENA: (not paying attention) Right. Like, we should hurry now, to prevent unnatural lives from dying. Or something.

EXT. MEADOW

ORPHEE: How fortunate that, of all things, you should arrive at precisely a day on which Hades will show up himself.

SHUN: We have the Gods' gift of Extremely Good Timing All the Time.

EXT. SOMEWHERE IN HELL, NOT WHERE HADES OR ATHENA IS

KANON, HYOGA and SHIRYU are jumping around and doing nothing of importance. Suddenly, they highjack another BOAT, dooming the other half of everyone who hasn't crossed STYX yet.

KANON:  
(as they're crossing the river, to the tune of "It's a Wonderful World")  
I see meat of green, red locusts, too  
They should ka-boom those HR refuse  
Their running has sure failed  
What a depressing tour

I see guys not screwed, or cower in fright  
Bright burning lakes, a wasted site  
Consulting will sure help  
What a depressing tour

FADES OUT TO HIS IMAGINATION:

KANON:  
Their cohorts on a game show, machetes in disguise  
Now given options killing their families or die  
I see friends betraying friends, saying "Don't take me, too"  
In reply we're saying, "No, fuck you."

I can make it right, torture of renown  
Souls suffer more than it can be known  
And I will better Hell  
What a wonderful tour  
Yes, consulting will sure help  
What a wonderful tour

Oh, yesssss

INT. HOUSE OF HADES

SEIYA, SHUN, and ORPHEE arrive. To ORPHEE'S great surprise, so do AIACOS, MINOS, and RHADAMANTHYS.

MINOS: Having crippled orphaned children pick up my golf balls was so much fun!

AIACOS: That's nothing. I played mallet with the heads of the wrongly accused and beheaded.

RHADAMANTHYS: Ah. Nothing compares to leisurely cruising on the Lake of Fire and getting a tan while watching tortured souls boil in it forever. #HellvsHeaven #Lifeisawesome #Fringebenefits, baby!

MINOS: That's good, but what the Hades were you doing before that, anyway?

ORPHEE: Fuck. Still, the show must go on!  
(sings, to the tune of "Mine")  
Was in your palace,  
pleading all time for my troubles  
Left Sanctuary, never looked back  
I was romantic with a fear of failing  
Wondering why we bother with love if it never lasts

She said "You have so pleased him"  
As I waited for his vouch  
One moment then you promised  
Yes, yes, I can see it now

Do you remember there're no singing birds or Gods' chatter?  
You raised your arm, promised me to reverse time  
You made a rebel of a Saint treading dangerous water  
You rule the best things that have no sunshine

Flash forward and we're living in your world together  
And we had flowers gardening at my place  
I guard your fortress and killed intruders we surrounded  
I thanked you because you forgave my mistakes  
But we got to go away  
We smelled nothing that was fraud  
And the grass had no snakes  
Yes, yes, this is what I thought about

Do you remember there're no singing birds or Gods' chatter?  
You raised your arm, promised me to reverse time  
You made a rebel of a Saint treading dangerous water  
You rule the best things that have no sunshine

Do you remember dimming starry lights on the water?  
Secretly my melody will now stop time  
You made a rebel of a Saint treading dangerous water  
Just by listening you can do no crimes  
Oh, oh, oh

And I remember that flight  
'Cause there was no sham  
As everything was playing right into your hands  
My music's so sweet and let it carry you into your sleep  
Brace yourself for the "Good night"  
Hear my Death Trip Serenade  
I will take you by surprise  
Because, I'm Her Silver Saint always

Because, I remember how I used my strings split up water  
Currently when I look at you, it's like the first time  
I fell in love with nature's most beautiful daughter  
For Eurydice your death will be miiiine

SHUN and SEIYA: (jumping out the chest)  
Be gone, breathe your last  
Don't run:

ORPHEE: Like a rat!  
You will now be ripped apart like some cannon fodder  
You need some killing and it will be mine

SHUN and SEIYA: Be gone

ORPHEE: Do you believe it

SHUN and SEIYA: Death's fun

ORPHEE: Gonna kill you now

SHUN and SEIYA: Your con

ORPHEE: Now pay for it

SHUN and SEIYA: Yes, yes

ORPHEE: I will kill you now

RHADAMANTHYS: Bah! If killing Hades is so easy, he would've been dead by now!

He punches a HOLE through ORPHEE'S CHEST, but SEIYA interrupts him before he could kill him. ORPHEE finally peeks at HADES' TRUE APPEARANCE.

SHUN: Oh, oh God...He...He looks like my evil brother from another mother!

ORPHEE sacrifices himself so that SEIYA can kill RHADAMANTHYS. They FAIL, naturally after mourning and expecting ORPHEE to not end up in HADES' SPECIAL TORTURE CHAMBER after his deception and attempt at His life.

SHUN: (sniffing) How tragically pointless. From now on Orphee will produce only clingy country music among the stars.


End file.
